Beard
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she
requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard,
but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do
it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it."
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave
in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she
was sleeping. The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face and
said "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be
home soon."
War veterans
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
The reply is, "l got this in the war."
Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.
The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.
So Fred asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."
Fred moves.
The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."
His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."
Little Pinch
The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her - at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch.
The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed."Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist.
"Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root
went that deep?!""
Mixed up
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. 'She's incredibly mixed up,' said one doctor. 'She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!'
The second doctor said, 'That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!'
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. 'Oh my God!', said the first doctor, 'I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!'
Angry Wife
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck!
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife
stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
The Collision
A woman and a man get into a head on collision on a quiet rural highway.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the drivers are hurt. After crawling out of their cars, the woman says "So you're a man, interesting. WOW! Look at our cars, there's nothing left. We are fortunate that we are unhurt. This must be a sign that we should meet, be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, " I agree with you completely: this must be a sign !"
The woman continued, "And look at this (pulling something from the wreckage). Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely someone wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
The man shakes his head in agreement and she hands him the bottle. He opens it and takes a few big swigs in toast to their good fortune. Then he hands the bottle back to the woman, who immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, confused, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police."
Clinton Bush and a Blonde
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought, That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.
The fat lady thought, That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.
Bill Clinton thought, George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.
George Bush thought, I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again. "
Holy fart
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some more weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said,... "Cute little fart."
Condom Factory Tour
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.
The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?" The tour guide says, "That's the sound that ensures us that we will keep producing the baby bottle nipples..
Ten dollars
Stumpy Grider and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane".
And every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs". So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go". Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars". They agree and up they go...the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing...so he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!"
And Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!""
Sales contest
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner
summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly.
"So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with
the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to
give it."
Etiquette class
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to
her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl
from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you
needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."
The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on
your part."
Johnny replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll
be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word
'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I
have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be
able to introduce you to after dinner."
Setting on the washing machine
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry
room, he shouted to the wife. "What setting do I use on the washing
machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."
Pimple
Lewis has a big pimple in the middle of his forehead. A big,
huge pimple, and it won't go away. So he goes to the doctor.
The doctor examines him and says, "Oh my! You've got a penis
growing out of the middle of your forehead!"
Lewis says, "Oh, no, Doc! What can you do?"
The doctor says, "Don't worry. Once it's fully grown, we can
remove it completely."
Lewis says, "What do you mean, FULLY GROWN?! Doc, I can't spend
years and years staring at that thing, waiting for it to grow!"
The doctor says, "Well, you won't have to stare at it for long.
Pretty soon, the balls will cover your eyes."
Man of the house
The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He
stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want
you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is
law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a tasty dessert
afterward. Then, after dinner and dessert, you're going to
draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my
bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director."
