Mr American
A Pakistani arrives in New York City all excited, he stops the
first person he meets. "Good day, Mr. American, thank you to
accept me in your nice country, and..."
The person interrupts and says: "I no Amelican, I Chinese."
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Thank you, Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..."
Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence.
"Sorry, chap, I'm not an American. I'm British."
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..."
"But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American."
He goes a little farther and meets another American and greets him, "Thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country."
"I'm not an American, I'm a Mexican."
"But," answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the Americans?"
The Mexican looks at his watch and says, "Probably at work."
Two pints
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
New puppies
One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he ran up to his mom and informed her that there were four
puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.
His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
"Well," says Little Johnny, "the girl was brown colored, but all the boys were black."
"Yes, dear, but how did the color tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.
Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The color doesn't tell you, silly, the black ones all had cocks."
TGIF
A blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee- shirt on Monday?"
"Oh no!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant: 'Tits Go In Front'!"
Wave
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard United Airlines flight 602 from New York to Punta Cana. You are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet going South over the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me, your captain, the co-pilot and one of the stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
Too much!
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out.
911
A blonde is complaining to her friend about the bad day she'd had at work. Her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.
Her friend said, "How horrible! What did you do?"
The blonde shook her head. "There was nothing I could do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers..."
A jazz chord
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."
A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"
Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
Dark in here
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her
lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and play catch."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friend like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church, the father alerts the priest, makes the boy sit in the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Pill
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."
Cancer
A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.
Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."
The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."
This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."
The second man replied, "Irish."
Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again.
Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, "Glasgow."
Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."
This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.
"Cancer", said Jim.
"...Sagittarius," replied Paddy.
State the reason
While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him.
The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.
I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines 'spaceship' as an 'imaginary aircraft'."
Flying
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the in-evitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
Fishing
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
Right-click
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have
done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click.'"
Need a pen?
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
