Prawns
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold,he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
...
.
.
.
.
.
... I'm a prawn again Christian.... !!"
Stop over
This guy couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so he called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"Denver."
In laws
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
Change of job
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Are you hurt
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went
round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."
Damp towel
One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.'
Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
Untrusting people
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $5o". The next day someone stole it.
Missed!
As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"
Time of the month
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food own my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "I guess it's that time of the month."
Replacing the mailbox
A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mail-box sat on, but to save the beloved old box.
I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.
Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window...
"I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."
Medicine
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
2 pennies
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me those first two pennies?"
Stone's throw away
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
The reply came back: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
Stone
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
The reply came back: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
Express lane
A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me, I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out,
please?"
The clerk turned, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits."
Epiphany
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed a hold of the next blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which both amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany"; a moment of heightened awareness in which every- thing becomes crystal clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.
2 hrs
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
Call first
Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Kathryn found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.
"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....
"And, Kathryn?"
"Yes, mom?"
"Call them first and let them know you're coming."
Just browsing
England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-
like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in
through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting-
looking books. So she went inside.
A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can
I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most
people knock before entering someone's home."
Aaaaaauuuggghhh!
Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young
lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going
out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if
she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with
her all night."
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet
her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes
as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and
fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she
comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she
is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
."Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
