Live off the plug
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
Gee
My son had just turned 14 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.
"Son, do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.
He nodded but cut me off.
The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"
"Gee, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"
Faking it
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
Practice sniffing
My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?
Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.
Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."
Divorce
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
Raining
This newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next morning and it's raining. It continues to pour for the rest of the week.
Leaning out her apartment window she sees a little boy playing on the stood below and asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The kid looks up at her and calls back, "How should I know? I'm only six."
Passwords
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me!"
Written in
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
And so..
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could,
I don't know...do something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
Worth the trouble?
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was that worth the trouble you're in?"
Change address
After a recent move, I made up a list of companies, agencies,
and services that needed to know my new address and phoned
each one to ask for the change to be made.
Everything went smoothly until I called one of my frequent
flier accounts. After I explained to the representative
what I wanted to do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't
do that over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-
of address form."
"How do I get one of those?" I asked.
"We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said pleasantly.
"May I have your new address so that I can mail it to you?"
