Cant find
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"
Laws of Life:
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Profile
Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.
The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town: "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."
Toilet woes
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber.
Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom.
I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.
"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
He can’t throw
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch."
"I can’t play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can’t throw."
Bizarre Crossword Puzzle Facts
Crosswords were so popular in the twenties that in 1925 the B&O Railroad put dictionaries on all its mainline trains for its crossword-solving passengers.
During the Roaring '20s, crossword puzzles even influenced fashions: Clothes made with black and white checked fabric were the rage.
In December 1925, Theodore Koerner, a 27-year-old employee of the New York Telephone Co., shot and wounded his wife after she refused to help him solve a crossword puzzle.
In 1926, a waiter living in Budapest, Hungary committed suicide. He left behind a note - in the form of a crossword puzzle - explaining why he killed himself. His motive: unknown. The police couldn't solve the puzzle.
Today crossword puzzles are the most popular hobby on Earth. The Bible is the most popular Crossword puzzle subject.
What's a 14-letter word for a crossword maniac?
CRUCIVERBALIST.
